UPDATE: Good news!  No changes in the spots so I don’t have to go back to the oncologist for 6 months.  Yippee!

A couple of weeks ago, I found this ring, I instantly liked it. “Love Life” is my mantra, always looking for the yumminess around.

Macro Monday is easy to play, snap a macro (or any close-up) photo, post it on your blog and come back here and sign MckLinky. Don’t forget to visit each other.

Then I saw the inside, “Be Brave”, and it seemed like fate, destiny, kismet – this ring was for me.  Today, I will see the oncologist.  Today, I will get the verdict.  Today, I will see if I’m still in remission or if those “suspicious areas” need more exploration.  And when I look at those little words, Love Life, I can’t help but think also, Be Brave.  I’ll let you guys when I know, but that won’t be until afternoon.

The words you never expect to hear. The thing that happens to other people. The moment that changes your life forever. October 18th is a difficult day for me. It’s the day I heard the words, “We found cancer.” I was 38 years old and I never expected to be told that I had stage IIIc colon cancer. There was no history of cancer in my family, still I am the only one.  And colon cancer is not expected in a person 38 years old – I must say I was the youngest person in my oncologist’s office, and each new doc I have is surprised that I had it, at my age, with no family history.

So, I get a little melancholy this time of the year. I think of all the things that could have been, all the things that have been and wonder what things I will still get to be a part of. Today, I have more hope than I did four years ago. I have lived through chemotherapy, I have found remission, and I have been lucky enough to be blessed with three grandchildren, and to see one of my children get married. These are things I wasn’t so sure I would ever see, when I heard those words, “We found cancer.”

I remember being in a store shortly after my diagnosis and overhearing a woman talking about her 40th anniversary. I started crying. Would I see my 40th birthday, let alone my 40 year anniversary, at that time I wondered if I would ever get to see our 5 year anniversary – well I did, we’ve been married 6 years now and who knows, maybe I will get to see 40.

There is a high risk, a high chance, a high probability, of recurrence – those words are repeated all throughout my medical charts. Reality bites! There is a greater chance of it coming back than there is of it staying away. And, I think part of my trouble with this particular anniversary, the 4 yr anniversary of my diagnosis, is that I am currently in a scare. I know, I haven’t mentioned it, but I think about it every single day.

When I went for my check up in August, I told you that all tests were ok and they were, except, well Dr. Onc decided to run a CT Scan and when you get a phone call from the oncologist, himself, you know it’s never good news.  A few spots were seen in the chest cavity – Dr Onc says the chances are very good that they will be nothing, but because of my history I need to see him in November and have more scans and such.  So my plans of having Portia (my chemo port) removed this month came crashing down.

I tell myself it’s all ok, that I have had issues before and each time things have turned out ok. But I’m really scared. I think I could liken this to pregnancies – I got more worried with each pregnancy, thinking I had already had X number of healthy babies that the odds were against me having yet another healthy infant. So, I guess it’s just the way of me to worry more with each scare. So far, I’ve had needle biopsies that have ended up being ok, then earlier this year was the liver enzyme scare that ended up ok, now this – what if. . .

I will be spending this day at Lambeau Field having a tail gate party with friends, then the evening will be spent with my husband. What do I call this? It’s not a happy anniversary day that’s for sure, it’s not a celebration, but what ever it is, this day does not go unnoticed. The day is noted, the one that changed my life forever, the one that reminded me my days are numbered, ours all are.  It’s the one day each year I will allow myself to wallow a little if I need to, have my little pity party, get ticked off, then get back up fighting.  It’s all I can do – keep fighting, keep going, keep living each day like it might be the last, but also like it’s the first, if that makes sense.

I do want to share the post I wrote four years ago, when I got the news, these were my feelings at the moment of finding out.  To clarify a little, I went through denial for months and months, up until after my surgery at least, I expected to hear a doctor say that they were wrong, that it was not cancer after all – sometimes I still hope to hear those words.  I shared my denial with my family, when I first told them the news, I told them the doctor thought it might be, even though the doctor never used the word ‘might’.

Cancer – way off topic of house building

originally posted Friday, 21 October 2005

After eight years of having issues with my stomach I had a test on Tuesday and the Doctor says it’s cancer.  Three years ago I had every test imaginable except the colonoscopy.  Six years ago I had every test imaginable except the colonoscopy.  Since we started building the house I’ve had more issues and more pain so I finally could put the test off no longer.  Other doctors had wanted to do, even scheduled me for, this test and I always chickened out.  I couldn’t do it.  I was embarrassed and scared.  I just couldn’t.

Well, I went to an internal medicine doctor in July or August because things had gotten so much worse over the last few months.  The pain was coming more often and the blood was coming more and more and sometimes was straight blood.  Also, I have lost 28 lbs in the last few months.  So I was scheduled to do it in September and I moved the appointment because I was too busy on the house.  Then I was supposed to do it on Sept 29, but we were totally busy trying to move.  I forgot about the appointment.  Oct 2 I spent three hours in the ER because the pain was so bad I could not walk without tremendous pain.  The ER drew blood and said everything looked fine and I should reschedule the colonoscopy.   They told me to take Tylenol and sent me home -  my husband got pissed.  Oct 3 I called and explained everything to the gastroenterologist’s office and they got me scheduled for the 18th.

I overcame the fear of the test because of the fear of not having the test and made it to the appointment.  Immediately before the procedure I told the doctor that I knew it wasn’t cancer because I’d already be dead by now.  The IV that was placed was not in right so my medication did not help the procedure.  I remember everything that happened and I felt everything because the medication went under my skin instead of in my vein.  Needless to say the doctor did not finish the procedure.  He stopped because of the pain and the mass.  He told my husband and I that I have cancer.  He set me up with a CT scan on Wednesday and a surgeon next week.

We went home puzzled that he could KNOW it was cancer that quickly but apparently he can.  He has years of experience and according to my regular doctor he is able to tell by seeing it.

I had the CT scan Wednesday but won’t get the results until next Thursday when I see the surgeon.

Today I saw my regular doctor and she tells me that on the positive side of things the cancer has not “broke through the wall” and has not spread to my liver. She’s not sure if my treatment will entail chemo but she seems to think it might.  She could tell me no more, she couldn’t tell me that I don’t have to count days.  She just said that when I see the surgeon I need to know that his suggestions are the ones he thinks will save my life and that I need to be most concerned with what will save my life not things like the fact that I don’t want a colostomy.

I told all four of my kids Tuesday evening that the doctor thought it might be cancer and I had to have some more tests.  My daughter (19) told me that if I had to have chemo she would cut her hair (which she never does) so that I would have hair.    Wednesday morning Mikal (17) got up and let the dogs out & in, fed and watered them and swept the hallway before he left for school.  Khristiaan (16) had a lot of questions, some of which I could answer.  I don’t think Haden (14) fully comprehends.

I told my daughter today.  Before I told her it might be, but 2 doctors have said it so now it’s real.  She cried even though I tried to reassure.  I told her to talk to her dad and her step-mom (she’s an RN) and they would help her feel better.  I reminded her that cancer treatment has improved a lot and that it isn’t a death sentence anymore.  Just sucks I can’t hold her and tell her everything will be ok.

My kids are full of many of the same questions I have and I can’t answer and it’s so hard.  My husband and I were totally floored by the diagnosis, we were not expecting this at all.  We thought it might be Crohn’s disease or something similar.  So now he’s trying to finish this house on his own.  We have to have it done by the end of the month so we can get the reappraisal and close on the new loan.  We’ve already locked in our rate; we have to close in November.  I feel bad that he now has to carry more of the load and me less but honestly I have less pain when I do less.

I hope by sharing this that maybe I have just helped someone gain the courage to get things checked, don’t let it get as bad as I did before you go.  I am praying I didn’t wait too long.  I finally did it (the colonoscopy) and you can too.

FYI: Statistically Lung cancer is still the number one cause of cancer death, colorectal is number two and breast number three – any ideas why I get so ticked off that breast cancer gets loads more coverage?  In 2009 alone, it is estimated 49,960 people will die of colorectal cancer and 40,170 of breast cancer.  Because I am a woman people assume I had breast cancer, women’s cancer magazines are aimed at women with breast cancer.  I’m here to tell you women can, and do, get other kinds of cancer!

Humor is a petal on the flower of hope, and hope blossoms on the vine of faith ~ Dean Koontz (Life Expectancy)

Sometimes the madness catches up to you and you need to just take a moment, alone, in the woods to breath.

Then God, or whoever you believe in, whispers softly in your ear when you weren’t even listening for Him.

Proof, you do not have to be listening in order for Him to speak.

Indian Pipe is flower I longed to see, last year I managed to spot some, nearly dead, but was thrilled. This year, while I wasn’t even looking, but was merely moping there it was. It’s been a rough week, several people weighing heavily on my mind – worrying about their hearts and health. And still, I was not blind to the beauty, I took the time to listen.

Dennis finally got all his results back from the cardiologist – well all, save one, and the news is that there’s no blockages or weird growths.  His blood flow rate is weaker than it should be but for now they are upping his medication and have approved him to start back exercising once the final result is in.  He’s supposed to start the exercise back up slowly then follow up with the cardiologist in 6 months.  Best news we could have hoped for.  Hopefully, the higher dose of medication will control the heart rate a little better.

I saw the oncologist this afternoon and my abdominal/pelvic CT scan looks good.  My bloodwork is also good, the liver enzymes are still high but they are the lowest they’ve been in 3 years, so hopefully that trend will continue.  I will be having a chest CT tomorrow to verify that all looks good there, then I can schedule the removal of the port and stay away from the oncologist for 6 months.  Remission is grand!

Thanks to everyone – you are my lifeline more often than you realize!

Hmmm, wonder what’s going on here. Do you have any ideas?

Well, first up is me with Gilbert Brown. I know , I look goofy!  I think he had just told me to eat a cookie!

Here he is signing a photo for me. These Green Bay Packer players were at the huge annual fundraiser for Angel on My Shoulder. It’s a huge event that happens every June – maybe you want to plan a trip up here for the next one? Gilbert was there last year as well and he is loads of fun! This year he brought his brother with him – they look a lot a like. About a month ago they were in our favorite Chinese restaurant when we picked up some food.  So you never know where he’ll tunr up, but if you see a Hummer painted like the Hulk, he’s nearby.

Here’s William Henderson signing my photo. He brought his father and his sweet son along. The families spent the day fishing while we all went to the golf course.

Craig Newsome was also there and here he is signing my photo. He was the quietest of them all. They all like to raz the ‘paparazzi’ and we give it right back!  We were impressed that they all prayed together before eating.

And here’s the one of me with Craig and William. All of these were taken during the Party with Pack on Thursday evening.

Before the golf course, Friday morning starts with a breakfast at the Wolf Pack Café, and those Packers were hungry! But I will not let them in the door until we get the mandatory shots of them with the owners of the café in front of the sign. Amazing that lil ole me can stop three huge football players isn’t it?

We spent 14 hours shooting photos on Friday but had loads of fun doing it!  All of the photos in this post were taken by my husband, which might be obvious since I’m in so many of them but I feel I should say anyway.  Credit where credit is due kinda thing – ya know?

If you want to know more about Angel on My Shoulder or see Leroy Butler and Gilbert from last year then please visit this post.  It’s truly a great organization that I’m proud to help out!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

The kids had a great time at Camp Angel. Although they all have an immediate family with cancer their weekend is about having fun. Getting away from it and spending time in the rocking chair room, spending time getting to know some animals and rock climbing.

Doing crafts and getting their faces painted.

Snowshoeing, when the weather finally warmed up a little from the -14 degrees we woke up to.

Riding on snowmobiles on the lake.

Thumbs up! Think they’re having fun!

Sledding.

This little boy wiped my husband out. Camera’s fine, and laughs all around.

They also got to ride in a horse drawn sleigh and on dog sleds! Needless to say they all went home exhausted. It’s one of the best things Angel on My Shoulder does. And it’s free for them to come!

Life is a journey, with some smooth roads and some bumpy.

I went to the oncologist yesterday for my six month check-up, this one just involved donating a little blood and getting my lymph nodes felt. All went well except the onc wants another blood draw, he wants me to fast for 10 hours then have the blood taken. If everything looks ok, then that will be the end of it. If not, then he wants pictures.

I don’t mean to be so vague but he wouldn’t tell me a lot more than that. My CEA (colon cancer marker) levels were all fine. They always are. Even when the cancer was raging my blood did not show it. While I was going through chemo my Alk Phos was high, I guess that’s normal, the Alk Phos is one of the liver enzyme. Well, now 5 of my liver enzymes are high, although two of them only at the low end of high. So the onc, feels checking things out are definitely warranted, especially with my CEA history.

I asked him what these higher levels could indicate and he preferred to wait to discuss it if this fasting blood test comes back high. All he would say is that it indicates the liver is inflamed.

But, hey, I feel good, so I’m sure we’ll have good news when it’s all done. I did tell him all about my diet and he told me, “Way to go!”. I know Dennis was concerned that he would tell me to stop that. Especially when the nurse told me that the reason the oncologists like their patients “fluffy” is because then we have some extra to fall back on if the cancer does come back. But the onc was happy for me and agreed with how I’m going about it.

Through all this, I did figure out why I lacked the motivation to get back in shape. Cancer strikes you in ways you don’t always think of. And even when you’re in remission and think you have went back to a normal, well as normal as possible, life, you find remnants of cancer‘s effects. For me, being told I had a 50% shot at being alive in 5 years, didn’t really motivate me to do anything to get my body in better shape. So, stepping up and exercising and watching what I eat is a way I am taking control of my life back away from the cancer.

I have been worried about it coming back – cancer doesn’t fit into my life’s goals (does it anyone’s?). But I really am trying to stop letting the fear of its reappearance keep me from living life to the fullest.

So, while I’m trying really hard to think positively about the results of the next test, and trying to keep my family on this positive side too, you can bet there are worry niggles until we get answers. I’ll keep you guys in the loop.

PS> While I’m horrible about getting on plurk and twitter, I have been trying to be better about facebook, so if you’re there come on over and friend me.